You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Pants are for mortals
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
