I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
