if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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