I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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