Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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