How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
