take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
