True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
