The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize