My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize