piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
