As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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