Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Randomize
