did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm passing your future prison.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
