It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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