Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize