ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
