I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
