my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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