I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
