Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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