you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
