Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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