I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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