My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
