yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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