She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
