there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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