It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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