It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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