I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
