if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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