wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
