Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
