DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
