Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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