I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You ruined the universe
Randomize
