Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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