I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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