wakey wakey hands off snakey
smell my finger.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize