it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize