Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize
