I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
