Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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