I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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