i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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