idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
