I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sorry my hands just texted you
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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