Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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