Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
