This dress was meant to end up on your floor
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
