rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just cropdusted the office
She announced her abortion via fbk
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
