That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
