i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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