im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
