I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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