Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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