I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
