you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
