I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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