i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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