If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
