The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
