she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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