I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
