You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
