My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
