YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So apparently I’m into choking now
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