I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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