Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Randomize
