I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
