i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Less talking, more tequila
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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